Self Careathon: Day Six

Day Six: Support

For the longest time I felt that I was a burden to everyone around me.  I thought that if I left, went anywhere that I wouldn’t have to bother  anyone else.  Because they could go on with their lives without me and they would be happy.  The worst of it when I was younger was around the age of 15.  I decided that I should just end it all to make everyone happy.  I didn’t have the nerve to do any physical harm to myself.  That and I didn’t want to leave a mess.  I took a handful of my mother’s prescription pills.  All I got was a bad stomach ache.

And one giant lesson… As much as I didn’t want to be where I was, I didn’t want to die.

For so many years of my life a lot of attention was devoted to my brother.  I don’t mean doting on him.  See when mom and dad split we both went in different directions.  I went inward, blaming myself.  My brother went outward.  Drugs and hurting himself.  They were so busy dealing with all of the things that he was going through that I was kind of just forgotten.

This trend seemed to continue as I got older or at least that’s how it felt to me.  I had a break down in my mid twenties.  I remember telling my mom that I needed help and the response that I got was “Well what about what I’m going through?”  That was the final thing that told me to keep how felt to myself.  I would forever be happy on the outside and continue to tell myself what a piece of shit I thought I was.

It wasn’t until someone called me intelligent that something clicked.  What was weird was that later that same day, someone else said the same thing.  I’d never had that happen before.

Now at almost 40, it seems that I’m getting support from places that I never expected to get it.  Mainly from my mom.  I still struggle with the bad thoughts but they aren’t as frequent as they used to be.

I guess the whole point is that if I had gotten the support that I’m getting now, I won’t have had to go through what I went through when I was younger.  It would have been nice to know what I know now… then.

Support for people is insanely import for anyone.  It can honestly make or break a person.  Not enough support and someone may end up like me at 15.  But they may actually finish the job I didn’t.

Give the people you love or like all the support you can.